seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
