The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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