Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
