I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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