When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
Randomize
