guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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