She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
