I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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