I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
