i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
