What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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