I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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