I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
