I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
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