Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Randomize
