The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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