How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
