The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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