I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
