I should be sponsored by Trojan
No subtext here. People are naked.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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