shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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