theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
