this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Randomize
