Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
