theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
