on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
