i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
