The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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