I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
you will always have a special place in my vag
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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