To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
