Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
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