Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
