apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
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