I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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