just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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