really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
