Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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