Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize
