Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
