Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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