tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
