get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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