I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Two words: nipple clamps
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