Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
