My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Randomize
