So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
