there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
