TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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