Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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