No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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