I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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