she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
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