Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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