you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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