There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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