Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
