remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
