I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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