You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
