If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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