Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Barsexuality is the new black.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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