i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
