I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Please don't give away my fajitas
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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