so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
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