Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Randomize