dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Randomize
