I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
