Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
