Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
