So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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