Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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