I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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